Guilt

I haven’t done justice to myself means, I haven’t penned down my thoughts- in the present day language- haven’t blogged. The reason, been supper busy getting entangled in more trouble and creating more problems.

Why are we so used to calling everything under the planet- a(the) problem? Categorizing anything that requires a bit more energy to deal with is understood as a problem by many of us and especially I can speak for myself with authority. Then I ask myself how is this related to GUILT? The first memory of guilt comes with my grandma saying “ she is going to love me less if I didn’t eat all what was served on my plate”. It starts with making you eat the vegetables and moves on to Sunday schools where they confuse us with the mere concept of me- the conception of me- the original sin. Then it goes on to take all kinds of forms. The whole life and its teachings revolve around this feeling of guilt.

Then comes this mad rush to start schooling where we are then conditioned and trained to have problems. The brain is schooled to continue to have problems through comparisons, rewards, examinations and especially punishments. Then the brain starts to own these problems which will never be solved because the brain/mind is conditioned not to solve but to own it. When you don’t solve the problem you are consumed with this feeling of guilt. Then the others come to assist us and they start owning our problems too, which becomes a cycle.

So what is this horrible feeling called guilt? How is it related to ego which is part of me! If it is part of me then it is not separate. It is like you have a problem and you go to the other to solve it but the other has it’s own problem and gets upset, depressed and feels helpless that s/he can’t help and creates another problem. Here if you take the You(I) and the Other(me) to be the same- in many cases it is the truth, you will never solve any problem and it accumulates. Feel guilty along the stream of self-centered activities. If you are not so fragmented can you feel guilty? One part is trying to be noble and other part is corrupt and one part is ambitious and ruthless and the other part wants peace! And then we feel guilty.. don’t you think this feeling of guilt is our own making? The mind that is caught in contradiction can never find what is real!

Can I observe this feeling without naming it??? When you don’t name something it no longer exits. I do understand the mind is so afraid to live in the state of nothingness. Don’t you think so? Who am I? Am not something made up of images and words? My mind is so afraid of being empty, therefore it latches onto “ I must be” constantly want to be occupied..

Can we observe the present without the knowledge (memory) of the past.. May be, that is when we will be rid of “guilt”

Faith breeds violence

Mmh I haven’t posted anything in the last couple of days. This means I am supper busy or I am happy. Last week had been a real rollercoaster ride both at personal and professional ( mmhh my choice of word!!) level. The issue I highlighted is gotten such a momentum which is definitely been hijacked from me. I am unlearning to be content with it and accept my role in this circus of demand for greater fuller sensation-politically, economically and socially- which destroys the self.

I was told couple of days ago that 54 women had been sexually violated by the military in one of the occupied territories in my homeland. My comrades from that area were petrified and shared this information with me. I shared this with my new found rent seeking acquaintances (I am one of them too) and the word got out. The military had gone into the villages and terrorized people for outing them. My dilemma now is how to deal with this. Should I take responsibility for making the villagers life worse? I am responsible for this chaos.

Some say faith breeds violence. The faith that my acquaintances and I share “to protect and promote human rights”. We want to protect this idea and protect the concept and ideology with a projection of us. We have identified with it and want to protect it at any cost. At the cost of the very women’s lives we are trying to protect. I have become so violently committed to the concept where I had failed to see the truth around who is the agent. My deterioration of mind has contributed to this.

Ending and beginnings…….Point of no return

I was told yesterday “understanding that neither love nor luv nor any other icing to top the mess of the cake beneath it does no good at this point”. I don’t want to analyze it as I who knows what it means. then comes the triad of truth, simplicity and love… All centers on relationships…

Truth! How would one define this? A self’s reflections.. One’s experience limits the functioning of mind. The centre which is our essence, walled by our experiences…And this wall limits the mind to function to the fullest.. When layers of experiences that we seek through our ambitions and egos barrage the centre which is our mind, how can we talk about truth or even comprehend. The essence of the mind.

In this context lets take our so called brain and one knows very well from the day we learn to respond we are being asked to learn. Nothing but, to learn about patterns- a process of acquiring knowledge- which conditions the brain to a pattern. Acquiring knowledge which becomes memory…. Can there be learning not in the context of knowledge sans perception-action? Can we observe sans a drop of prejudice? Any form of prejudice will prevent perception what we need is demand to see clearly. What we are encountered in our present life is repetition of the same process of accruing knowledge and acting from it which is limited. Therefore the brain has become so used to solving problems which knowledge has repeatedly created. Pattern…. Which will never in any circumstance solve our human problem… To have non- accumulative perception is not have prejudice. Move away from the old pattern of obedience and acceptance.

Space is essential to have silence, for a mind that is struggling to be silent is never silent. However, silence is necessary, not the silence forced by thought, not the silence between chaos, between noises, between wars but the feeling of nothingness/ silence- the truth- which has no path to it, exists!