Chill of tomorrow's fears

I knew exactly what was going to happen… It happened…Clash of egos and clash of values or am I feeling that everyone is out to get each other……. I am suppose to write about integrity of the person when the integrity of my race is in disarray…..

Had a great evening yesterday… caught up with someone who shares my ideology, understands and relates to my essence of militancy.. The forbidden word in my area of work and I might be forced into solitary confinement by the others who speaks for me…and the others who have authority over me and my race.

Exhausted by the colorlessness’ of today’s moment, saddened by remembrance of the past, paralyzed by fear of tomorrow and my thirsty thoughts that find no relief- burning tears do not come into the eyes anymore….Will one hard pain take the mould of song? Escaping from the dark crannies of the heart.... And a tangled, confused search for a remedy … What can I say other than----- Longing for desert and dungeon, a search for the rented garment………

Hope you understand and the days are such mixing in the bitterness of yesterday the prison of today…

Wondering through a pathless land…

Worked very hard for today! A report that calls a spade a spade, the theme and the analysis- my sarcasm written all over it- but couldn't say it.. watched others present it and why… I am a minority .. always had been and always be… Others spoke about me and my experience and about my work….. Am I happy that someone spoke about me or am I angry that I can’t speak about me…

What is the legitimate authority to speak for/about “The Other”? What I would like to stress upon is not the intention of Self who is speaking for “The Other” but rather Self taking away the agency of “The Other” speaking for where Self, as a result of the privilege of dominance tend to be often treated as authenticating presences that confer legitimacy and credibility on the demands of subjugated speakers. Then again if Self, the dominant and privileged don’t speak for “The other”, is Self abandoning his/her responsibility of speaking against discrimination which is the result of Self’s own privilege? The reality is when Self is engaged in this s/he is representing “The other's” needs, goals, situation, and in fact, who they are, based on Self’s own situated interpretation. The Self speaking for “The Other” makes “The Other” a victim rather than an agent to speak for there own.

Hence I ask, when” The Other” is navigating through the complex set of identities within the ideological constrains, it- “the Other” , is persuaded to the formation of an ethnical persona based on a set of actions mobilized by the law and/or contaminated historiography to produce a new norm of the to the understanding of Self. This form of mobilization forces “The Other” to consent to the Self’s hegemony. Therefore the interpellation of “subalterness” is reinforced where agency is denied. This leads to “The Other’s” constant encoding and decoding of ethnical- persona. . Here “The Other” goes though the process of de-ethnization in dress, appearance, behavior etc. This disguise is apparent both in the “The’other's” conformity and resistance...

More questioning and another day on my Yathiri..... I rather break than bend...

Shattered

Last evening, what can i say- walked into something i should not have... so many memories revisited! My disappointment, anger and a state of helplessness... All the hard work shattered right before me in a second... Another turning point in my relationship with others... I can't say too much... The question is can there be an ending of this sorrow. There is a limit to what one can endure..

I can very well comprehend, without the understanding of sorrow there can't be wisdom. I was told ending of sorrow is the beginning of wisdom. Mmh, i know, i am a total failure as a parent... I don't know how to meet this sorrow. What is love? All the conditions around how i love my children and my expectations mounds to this sorrow.. Can i be free of this? The wisdom i seek- no fear, no illusions, no self-deceptions and no anxieties. The inevitable shadow of frustration…. I am caught up in this self contradiction like a .......Can I feel the love and not this pain. I want to be aware of my reaction(s). Can i do this with my superficial mind? I am desperately looking for a refuge. Then again am i trying to avoid and dreadfully looking for explanations to lock my mind? But my wound of sorrow is quite deep. I am finding it hard to take that bandage which is my inheritance. What is the motive of/for my sorrow...

Yet another day on my Yathiri... I love you baba and i have failed you...

Fragmentation of Thoughts

Is the experiencer different from the experience.. is a thinker different from thought(s)… I am an embodiment of being conflicted by the fragmentation of thoughts..

If I go on the premises of thought and the thinker to be the same and the experiencer and the experience to be the same, the question comes to mind is what separates the two. Is it the illusion of time? Take me for example, last nite, I was happily making dinner for the one I love the most, and the one who keeps me grounded, she is tired of others cooking.. The phone rang, a friend- who I haven’t seen for a long time… almost begged to see me… I know the reason… Of course I agreed and hurried through my dinner…

He came and I fixed us drinks- local alcohol( I am terribly broke and saving the wine for once a week)- and I must say I am beginning to like this Arrack, it is obviously growing on me.. We were sitting there sipping arrack and rolling something to smoke… I had timed this evening and I had only given an hour to this friend of mine since I had many other things to do and one among those- feeling sorry for myself…

I sat there and watched him roll and moved to the rooftop to smoke… The sky was clear and the starts were bright… The smoke was quite strong and no inhibitions and no fear.. I asked my fried to leave and reluctantly he left.. I hope he will never read this… He did roll another one for me so that I wouldn’t need him this evening.. I was glad to see him go as we had nothing in common… I went to my room… felt great… state of togetherness-mind body soul- wouldn’t have known what is right and what is wrong or pain from pleasure… a state of unconsciousness… a great feeling… lasted only for a little while..

However, then came the feeling of pain and pleasure, the dichotomy … to my dismay I typed a message to the one I am breaking up with… for the life of me I can’t remember what I wrote… probably a sappy one… I guess the time is the divide to pain and pleasure…

Woke up in the morning and felt good… May be it was good that I sent a sappy message… Felt relieved.. I don’t feel guilty anymore… Don’t want to get lost in the drama and I want to be the observer and not the thinker.. Yet another day on my yathiri…

Day 1 of this Journey

My dilemma in life is, putting the cart before the horse.... I woke up this morning, decided to go against my own thinking, my constant struggle against blogging and i decided to leap... a first step on this new road i have taken to travel... I ask myself why now........

Mmh why now, i recently ended or in the process of ending a relationship that was a bit bizarre at the same time was full of life.. a living.. full of conflicting emotions... a true sense of relationship. One more to qualify my patterns and one more to wound my heart... I wanted to reflect on this one, with out any inhibitions sans fear or fad..

What is most important in our lives? I , without blink of a lash, could say relationship/s. I am engaged in so many forms of relationships... nuclear family, extended family, my team that i spend almost every meaning full day of my existence and with rest of the humanity..

I try very had to be a bystander to observe my role in all these relationships but i fail.. over and over again.. My inability to become both the observed and the observer and dichotomy i have engraved and my inability to quash..

All my life, at least in my adulthood, i have tried to give meaning to my life intellectually, an artificial creation.. every day I diverge from using the natural intelligence... so many years of conditioning to wander from natural intelligence... One has no time to reflect on the knowledge that comes with experience/s... that is my journey... my reflection of a journey that i embarked five years ago, March of 2003……… and wanting to reflect on that journey through embarking on another journey taking a new ROAD..........