Letting go…

Last evening I went to a funeral of an acquaintances who happens to be an activist/militant/intellectual/environmentalist and above all a seasoned womanizer. A tamil man in his 50s who broke many young women’s heart died few days ago succumbing to cancer. Few spoke at the funeral about his political activism, militancy and his days as a young adult….

His three children all in early 20s…What struck all of us was the way the children remembered him which made even the pretensions ones weep genuinely… Both parents are/were activists… probably didn’t have a lot of time to spend with the kids but they remembered there appa as being there when they really needed him especially the 2nd daughter…when she was in Bangalore two months ago, she called her dad saying she was very depressed. He got into the next flight to see her even though he was very sick. Walked with her all over the town to cheer her up…and the other daughter spoke about the school bag when she was only six… There was a flash of silence not loneliness… it was only for a moment. Then into the trap of attachment. Sorrow…….beginning of it..

Coming back from the funeral in the late evening my head is/was spinning around not knowing “what is worse… the fear of death or the death itself”. Love and sorrow seem to go hand in hand. Each taking turn to dominate our lives at a given time. Always in a battle. In between, something called passion.. that ruthless intensity for things, for idea or for a person.. Is this a triangle? - this love, sorrow and passion… I don’t know but there seems to be a connection. I haven’t gone that far to make sense of this then again, should I even want to go there… I guess when passion has a cause it becomes lust.. a fulfillment.. and comes this contradiction. You strive to achieve or maintain a status quo or recapture something that is gone. Can there be a simple urge to understand and can we call that urge passion. The true essence of passion.. will this have a cause… I don’t know..

It seems like we are longing for something, lustful and wanting to escape from something/someone/some idea. In my case, even though at some level I could relate to the urge to understand-most of the time I want to escape.. At the moment, I want to escape from the memories of a relationship. Soon after ending- a physical ending of this relationship- it was easy, since I concentrated only on the negatives of the union but when time passes the pendulum is going towards the good times. I thought it was a phase as well, but the pendulum doesn’t seem to come to a stand still… This takes me to a state of sorrow.. but this sorrow seems to stem from a cause… I want to lessen this intensity.. I am trying to rationalize the fact that we escape the fact that we suffer, like I go to church to worship the symbol of sorrow in trying to rationalize the sorrow away… The psychological pain that prevents me from enjoying everything around me…I could do this only when there is an absolute absence of thought- the thought of the past, memory- and move into self-abandonment…. Not being in a cause state of mind… I must be going mad and that is what who ever reads will think…. Could I ever transcend all of this..

I think for one to understand love one must feel the enormity of sorrow and this means we ought to face the loneliness.. one’s attachment.. ones demand for fame.. the hunger to be loved.. Can I ever reject all explanations and understand the total abandonment of oneself….

Letting go….

I never thought letting go was going to be this excruciating….The implications of attachment.. A tragedy…Abandonment.. None understood my innate fear of abandonment. How can one completely negate jealousy, attachment and every form of possessiveness? Can one be free of all and can I be free of all? Can compassion exist if you belong to something or someone…

I am watching this beautiful tree and the valley through my door.. An absolute joy but at the same time it also transport to times of the past which unleashes many emotions. This in turn impedes from enjoying this beautiful tree and the valley fully. Thought sustain the pleasure of yesterday and continuity today and tomorrow.. This same thought in revolt…. results in aggression, hate and many other forms of emotions and the unleashed energy of hate which is again another form of pleasure. The pursuit to pleasure and the aggression when it is thwarted. We build on it and our values, judgments, relationships are based on this essential principle pleasure and self expression.

Mmhh I shall continue my state of confusion…

Still I dust I raise

Sitting on my verandah- amazed at every drop of rain, my favorite thing to do, unpacking my thoughts or should I say letting it flow the way it wants to. The way every plant receives the drop is a pleasure to watch. My boundary wall wrapped with ivies across a house that is waiting to be completed and to become a home…. I don’t think it will see completion until I depart which reflects my state of mind or the war that seems to be claiming an end but will never see the day- A constant state of illusion which I seem to be oscillating in.

Then my thoughts ( very problematic phenomenon) are circulating around relationships this morning and for obvious reasons I presume. Can the mind ever cease to record an insult or flattery. I look back of to my 20 years of adult life… I question as usual, will I ever be able to step out of this stream of disorder resulting from conformity and find love/compassion/empathy in its true essence.

Should one know the ways of mind- to understand love. Mind/thought seems to destroy love. I am surrounded by clever people and I myself once boasted for being clever and what do you mean by clever. Is that being cunning- the ones with sharp minds- I can speak for myself and when I am/was in a clever state of mind where I became so superficial- doing everything on the surface.. will say I care and I love to those around me but I clearly knew it didn’t come from where it should have come naturally.. when I said those words I was the right thing to say.. It is so clear that there was no love/compassion/empathy there. Love does not exist on a surface.

Today I am revisiting a particular relationship in my life. It stated off with speaking about non-conformity in the wee hours of the morning not knowing and realizing that one needs to go to bed and wake up to face the chaotic world in the morning however, it didn’t matter since those discussions were energizing and genuine… It was beautiful but one fine day- on this day some years back- decided to fall into the trap of conformity.. A relationship was formulated and got trapped in expectations and needs and forgot why we enjoyed each other’s company in the beginning… Didn’t realize what it is not .. what love is not.. Not theoretically and not verbally.. Not to have a mind that is ambitious, thriving, a mind that is comparing, imitating but unfortunately that is the stream of conflict that I am floating and hope I will be able to get out of there soon to understand the essence of passion and feel it.. passion for everyone-compassion…

Passion is sorrow. We know what is sorrow. Death of someone you love or losing someone you consider you have loved. When we remain with that sorrow totally without trying to rationalize or to escape in any other form and remain with it completely, sans movement of thought, then there is a possibility to find out that sorrow comes from passion. That passion is love for me and that love has no sorrow.

Where ever you are I wish you love in it’s true essence…